“Too clingy.” That’s what I’m told I am. When it’s really so much more than that. You came into my life at a time where I wasn’t sure I mattered. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to wake up anymore. You made me feel, and for that you will always be important to me. You let me whine and complain, you let me cry. You were my best friend, everything I could’ve wanted. Everyday for me was a blizzard, and talking to you was like wrapping myself in my favorite blanket. You brought comfort, warmth, security. I told you absolutely everything about me, and you treasured all my secrets, you knew that you must be special for me to be telling you all this. What happened between us was beautiful. I will always consider it just that. The sweet words you would sing to me at night were what gave me strength each day. I knew if I could fight off my tormenting thoughts, I’d get the privilege of talking to you that evening. You were the feeling you get when you see the first signs of spring. It was like everything had been frozen for so long and I almost forgot what the grass felt like under my feet. You were my reminder of better things to come — that there was still beauty in the world. That I could be whatever I wanted. You gave me courage and hope. I cannot forget this.
15 months have come and gone.
“Move on.” That’s what I am told I must do. I stare back at these people who tell me to simply forget someone who saved me from myself more times than I can count. I remember this one time you whispered in my ear, “You will make it.” I held on to those words as if they were my life line. And here I am. I did just as you had said I would. I made it. We still talk every so often. Nothing like before. And that is okay. Your smile still melts me, and probably always will. Your voice can still calm my breathing when I am consumed with anxiety — but since you left I have found other things that calm me too. I guess what I’m saying is a part of me will always love you. You will always be relevant in my chaotic life. But I no longer rely on you to function. I have learned how to live without you. A skill I never thought I could master. I refuse to forget you because when I was so sure it was time for me to go, to end my life, you fucking made me smile. It is so boring and simple. I have now found joy in waking up everyday, there are traces of you everywhere, and I hold them close to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have made you my everything —- I realize that now. But to be very, very honest? If I hadn’t have drowned myself in you, I’m not so sure I would have the honor of reminiscing.